October 15th

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day…. my candle is lit.  But that is not all I did today.. Today I did a lot of reflecting, which brings me to this blog.

About 4 months ago I let my blog domain (www.tinyangels.ca) expire.  I thought, “who cares, I don’t even know if anyone reads this, and I’m pretty much over it.  So gone is 2 years worth of posts of a lot of my heart and soul.  And then I remember, “I did start the blog on wordpress” and here I am.  When I looked at the stats I realized that people are still actually reading this little flicker of Tiny Angels.  So here I am.

Over the past couple days I have received e-mails from people wondering if I have organized a memorial event for this year, people wondering what’s going on in deadbabyland.  Well, the answer is “no” and “I have no clue”.  And now I am here.  I feel like somewhat of a failure, like I have let down a large group of women who in some small way relied on me to stand up and scream, “LISTEN UP WORLD!!!  We are women who have lost babies and we are hurting!!!  Not only are we hurting, but we demand proper treatment by the medical community, as well as the public in general!!”  Well, I didn’t do that.  I simply changed my facebook profile pic, shared a link to the October 15th website, lit a candle, and went on my merry way.

Time heals…. maybe…  Time changes things…. yes, most certainly.  I live with the pain of losing my twins, but I don’t grieve daily.  I embrace the memory of being pregnant and I also embrace the feelings I experience when I think of losing them.  I still hurt when I see twins, but I don’t excommunicate the mothers anymore.

I don’t know what this post is about….. But I do know that today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness/Remembrance Day… and I remember.  xoxo

New Addy

Well, until I figure out how to link this URL to my new blog URL, I’ll just have to place the link here.  You can find these posts and all my new ones at Tiny Angels.

Deadbabyland

As I was scrolling blogs a while back I read, “After a loss, friends become strangers and strangers become friends”.  While I have not had any friends become strangers following my loss, in the past I had become a stranger to a friend who experienced loss before me.  I reached out to her and she retreated and isolated herself, rejecting any support I tried to give.  I wish I could have helped her more.  That said, I can definitely see how strangers can become friends.  Similar to the “Secret society of moms who lose babies” there is a whole other world out there.  Deadbabyland.  WHOA, hold on to your seat, this is not a name I made up.  The first time I read “deadbaby” in reference to a stillbirth or a lost baby, I was a little shocked!  And then I continued on and read more and more and more, and the term shows up all over.  I’m not exactly sure how I feel about it, but it is what it is.  What about Angelbabyland?  Just throwin’ it out there.

Anyways, the name is not really the point of this post.  The point is…. I am absolutely amazed at the community that bereaved bloggers have created.  The blogs are by all the mom’s who have lost babies through miscarriage, stillbirth or various other reasons.  Everyone supports eachother, everyone is there, knowing exactly how you’re feeling and even saying almost the same thing, it’s amazing.

I just read about a family who has lost their third baby.  I read it on one blog, then another, and another, and another, until I finally saw it on the families blog.  I am so sad for them.  All of deadbabyland is mourning their loss and I can’t help but feel a certain level of disbelief, anger and grief for them.  I do not know them but I know they are hurting.  Hurting in a way that no human should have to hurt.

I’m not sure people would understand why I read blogs of loss, sadness and grief, but I feel connected when I do.  I feel connected to a thousand other people out there who are feeling the exact same way as myself right now.  I feel connected to a group of people who will never say, “get over it”, “it was for the best”, “at least they didn’t make full term” or “you should be thankful for the four children you have”.  I can’t explain it, and although I wish I never felt the need to read all of these sad and heartwrenching blogs, I’m glad that I found them when I needed to.

Twin-to-Twin Transfusion Syndrome

On my quest for answers I stumbled accross this site.  Actually, I wasn’t even really searching for it, I accidentally found it.  The Twin-to-Twin Transfusion Syndrome Foundation is a place for information, resources and support for those affected by TTTS.    From their site:

‘snip’ What is TTTS?

• Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS) is a disease of the placenta (or afterbirth) that affects identical twin pregnancies
• The shared placenta contains abnormal blood vessels which connect the umbilical cord and circulations of the twins
• The common placenta may also be shared unequally by the twins
• The events in pregnancy that lead to TTTS are all random.
• TTTS is not hereditary or genetic, nor caused by anything the parents did or did not do
• TTTS can happen to anyone.  ‘snip’

I can’t help but wonder if maybe this is why my babies died.  I’m tired of the, “well, it’s just one of those things that happen”.  Whatever…  I know things go wrong and that’s why our bodies miscarry babies, but why?  What went wrong?  I read that TTTS can be diagnosed at 6 weeks, but I am now a little more irritated with my doctor who completely disregarded my concern about there being only one placenta with two babies.

I’m starting to feel like everyone thinks I should just get over it already, but you know what?  I want an answer.  I know I’ll never really find one, but even if I had a bunch of possibles that would be good enough for me.  I mean, I know my body can make babies, and good ones at that, so why not these two?

Stars in the Sand

We spent half of our holidays in a cottage that has been in the family for 50+ years.  It’s very close to Winnipeg Lake and I have very fond memories from my childhood there.  If you’ve been there than you know how big the lake is, if you have not been there I’ll tell you, it’s like an inland ocean.

As I was watching the kids playing by the shore one day I decided it was a great photo opp.  Inspired largely by “Names in the Sand” I decided to write all of the kid’s names in the sand.  So one by one I wrote their names and took a picture of all the kids by their name.  I felt I should probably write something in the sand for the twins so I drew 2 stars.  Later on we went back and wrote “Family” in the sand and had my Dad take a picture of the whole family in front of the writing.  I’m pretty sure I’ll frame all of the pictures if the quality is okay.

The night after taking this picture the wind blew so hard and the lake behaved just like an ocean.  The waves were so fierce and continuously came crashing to the shore.  We strolled down and set off a bunch of fireworks.  It was kinda hard to light them in the wind, but so beautiful once we did.

I would like to submit the twins’ names to Names in the Sand , and maybe even have her draw the two stars on the beach in Australia too.

Empty Arms

I bought this book within days of losing my babies.  During our holidays I managed to finish reading it and thought I would post a little reflection on it.

The title of the book is “Empty Arms” and it’s written by Pam Vredevelt.  Pam herself suffered a miscarriage as she was about to enter her fifth month of pregnancy.  She is a religious woman and it definitely is projected in this book.  Even though I am not a very religious person, this book was okay for me.  Although if you’re athiest I would not recommend the book.

I discovered alot while reading the book.  It seemed to nail things on the head just as I was thinking them.  Specifically my feelings of guilt, blame, anger and uncertainty.  I think it’s very common for moms who have lost a baby to blame themselves or others for what has happened, and then feel guilty or angry about it.  As for myself, I have about 101 reasons that could have caused the miscarriage.  Maybe I shouldn’t have went on that slip’n'slide, did the wild thing, hula hooped, allowed myself to get stressed or maybe I shouldn’t have been breastfeeding my toddler.  There’s also the guilt of the past, like maybe somehow a miscarriage is payback and I deserved it.  Pam explains in detail how to reduce guilt and also debunks the belief that a miscarriage is somehow deserved/payback.

A large component of her book is explaining grief and how to live with it.  According to Pam there are five stages of grief:

1. Denial and Isolation

2.  Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance of the loss

I’m not sure where I am in there, but she did say that you can go back and forth from various stages.  I know I’ve definitely felt the first 4, I’m not sure I’ve made it to #5.  I mean, I know they’re gone, I know I can’t get them back no matter how much I beg and pray, but at the same time, maybe I’ll get pregnant again.  So I guess it’s more that I cannot accept that we may never have another baby.  I can’t.

All in all, the book was fabulous.  Again though, if talking about God makes you squirm, you may not like it.  But what I have found is that it is actually comforting.  I need to know that my babies are somewhere and not just in my garden.  I need to know that they are in a better place waiting for me.  And if that means opening my heart and soul to something that I was never really “in to”, than so be it.

My Size 7 Green Shorts

I went to Vegas on the weekend of May 20th.  It was kind of a waste of a weekend (you know what I mean if you’ve been to Vegas) but I did manage to accomplish something.  I shopped, I shopped like crazy!  While roaming around one store a pair of green (and I mean bright green) shorts caught my eye.  Green is *my* color.  I strolled over, checked out the price, and then grabbed two sizes to try on.  A size 7 and a size 9.

I had not made it to my prepregnancy size since having A, my 4th child/2nd daughter, who was 17 months at the time, so grabbing the size 7 was a real stretch for me.  I tried on the 9, they were pretty loose, than I tried on the 7 and they were pretty snug, but okay.  I left with the size 7!

Excitement, I was one step closer to my “normal” self, lol (whatever that is).  One week later I would conceive and two weeks after that I would get a positive test.  I never wore my size 7 green shorts.  My belly grew right along with my hips, thighs and I’m sure my ass.  I couldn’t fit in any of my pants, even the size 9, and I resorted to wearing maternity pants.  They were comfy and I was excited so who cares, right.  I packed my size 7 green shorts away with the rest of my “normal” summer clothes.

Yesterday I wore my size 7 green shorts….  *sigh*  I sure didn’t feel the same excitement that I expressed the first time I fit in them.  I shouldn’t fit in these shorts, I should still be wearing my maternity pants!!

A post-pregnancy body is a hard thing for many women who experience loss.  I wasn’t too far along so it wasn’t “too bad”, but I certainly had the ponch that I felt I didn’t deserve, seeing as it was not carrying any life.  It’s not fair to have a post-partum body with no baby.  That said, I’m back to my pre-pregnancy (or would it be pre-lostpregnancy) size, yipeee.  *note sarcastic tone*

Footprints on my Heart

I received a necklace in the mail a few days ago.  After losing the twins I did alot of searching online for ways to honor them.  I found this great website called La Belle Dame and ordered a fabulous necklace.  There were so many different memorial jewellery options on the site, I was so impressed.  One of my challenges as a mom who lost multiples is finding memorial peices for twins.  I found numerous items for one baby, but not much for twins or more.  But on La Belle Dame I could customize the jewellery.  So I ordered the pendant called “Tiny Footprints on a Mother’s Heart” and with it I included two little dangling gems, two little February birthstones.  I know my babies left me in July, but they were supposed to be due in February.

 

I tried to take a picture of the extact one that I got, but my camera isn’t good enough, so the image from the La Belle Dame will have to do.  On the back of the footprints pendant I had stamped “10wks”.  I also added an extra charm to my necklace.  It’s a larger heart that goes behind my little footprints one, and on the back of that one it says, “Angel Babies”. 

When I opened the package I cried.  I love my necklace, I may never take it off.  Tucked in a little envelope was a little poem, it read:

Tiny Footprints on a Mother’s Heart

When a baby arrives,
be it for a day, a month, a year or more,
or perhaps only a sweet flickering moment-
the fragile spark of a tender soul
the secret swell of a new pregnancy
the goldfish flutter known to only you-
you are unmistakeningly changed…
the tiny footprints left behind on your heart
bespeak your name as Mother.

My Angels' Garden

I’ve been working on a garden for my little babies.  So far there’s not too much, just a rose bush, rocks surrounding the garden and of course my babies.  But before I decided to put the garden there it was an absolute disaster with foot high weeds and nasty clay and mud.  One day at work and it’s at least all cleaned up.  I have ordered more plants to put in the garden including bleeding hearts, daisies and some bell shaped flowers.

There’s the rose bush.  It was very full of roses until we had a crazy downpour, so I figured I better take a picture before all the roses fell off.  All the rocks lining the garden were hand picked by R and the 2 littlest ones at Castle Mountain.  I have also ordered a couple little ornaments for the garden.  I’m finding it impossible to find anything that represents twins, so I just ordered 2 of these little garden babies.  I love the detail!  I would have liked to have 2 babies together in an angel’s wings, but I’m happy to have found this too.

 

I’ll keep you posted as I add more items to my little Angels’ garden.

My Angels’ Garden

I’ve been working on a garden for my little babies.  So far there’s not too much, just a rose bush, rocks surrounding the garden and of course my babies.  But before I decided to put the garden there it was an absolute disaster with foot high weeds and nasty clay and mud.  One day at work and it’s at least all cleaned up.  I have ordered more plants to put in the garden including bleeding hearts, daisies and some bell shaped flowers.

There’s the rose bush.  It was very full of roses until we had a crazy downpour, so I figured I better take a picture before all the roses fell off.  All the rocks lining the garden were hand picked by R and the 2 littlest ones at Castle Mountain.  I have also ordered a couple little ornaments for the garden.  I’m finding it impossible to find anything that represents twins, so I just ordered 2 of these little garden babies.  I love the detail!  I would have liked to have 2 babies together in an angel’s wings, but I’m happy to have found this too.

 

I’ll keep you posted as I add more items to my little Angels’ garden.