Day Six: What not to say

Day 6: Things not to say

Someone actually posted the God comment on my facebook wall. And I find anything that starts with “at least” is belittling. I got a lot of “at least you have other children”, and “at least they weren’t full term”. At least phrases bug me on any given day, let alone when referencing baby loss.

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Day Five: Memorial

This is another one that I didn’t know which picture to post… I have several that are memorials, but I will post them under different categories. This is a tattoo that was designed for me by another babyloss mama about 2 and a half years ago. I wasn’t sure if I loved it at the time, but then my computer crashed and I thought I lost the image forever. The thought of not having it completely tore me apart, and it was then I realized I had to have it on my skin. it will be on my upper thigh area. Oh, and the wording will actually be “pulchriores quam pro terra” which is “too beautiful for earth” in Latin.

There is a lot of symbolism in this tattoo… the wings are swallow wings, and swallows are believed to take the souls of lost loved ones to heaven… The rose is a symbol of my memorial garden where they are buried, the heart is a symbol not only of love, but of the Tiny Angels Project I started to provide care packages to babyloss families, and the 2 butterflies are of course symbolic of my twins.

Now if I could just find a way to fund raise to pay for some ink. ¬†ūüėČ

Day Four: Treasured Item

It is difficult for me to pick just one treasured item.  Basically everything that had to do with my pregnancy and the twins I treasure, but there is not that much to be honest.  I did keep everything though, from the pregnancy test, to maternity clothes receipts, ultrasound pics (after babes had started breaking down) and little heart shaped rocks that reminded me of my babes.

 

This ultrasound pic has got to be my most treasured item though… an instant reminder of the chance I was given but was unable to hold on to. ¬†A reminder of what I experienced in the days, weeks, and months following when this image was taken. ¬†After loss, the feelings and memories are all that is left, so I cherish them and hold on to them. ¬†I have moved on in some regard, but I never want to dismiss the amount of love and energy that went in to these babies. ¬†The twins have already begun to deteriorate, they had been gone for a couple weeks I believe and were now measuring just over 6 weeks. ¬†I was supposed to be 10 weeks pregnant at this point.

Here some other items that I have held on to and are extremely treasured:

This is a note the baby (did not know it was twins at this point) wrote to announce her/his existence to his/her father. ¬†I am no longer with the Father (that’s a good thing), but I still treasure this little note.

This is a Dr. Seuss book that I bought specifically to read to the baby(ies) growing in my womb.  I had so many plans of how this pregnancy would play out, and how I would take care of myself and the baby(ies).

 

And this is how we announced the pregnancy to my parents. ¬†My youngest daughter wore this shirt and told the world how excited she was to be a big sister! ¬†She was just over 1 at the time, and so stinkin’ cute. ¬†I have a picture of her wearing it, but I cannot find it right now.

**clearly I cannot follow picture challenge rules, as I’m pretty sure it’s supposed to be one picture a day… but I just have so many little things I treasure, I had to share. ¬†I have more.. but this will do.

 

 

 

Capture your Grief

I’m not sure what has changed over the past few months, but I find myself fully immersed in “Deadbabyland” again. ¬†I mean, I was always there, but now I am spending a lot of time reading blogs, looking at pictures, and taking part in photo challenges even! ¬†The photo challenge that I am taking part in is for the month of October, which is “Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month”. ¬†The challenge is titled “Capture your Grief” and it was created by “Carly Marie”. ¬†Here is the picture that lists all the recommended pictures to take each day in October:

If you want more info on the challenge, you can find it here.

Here are my challenge pics for the past few days.

Day one:  Sunrise in Calgary, Alberta at 7:00am on October 1st.

Day Two:  Portrait before loss.  This picture would have been taken a couple months before I was pregnant with the twins, so probably March 2009

Day Three:  Portrait after loss..

I couldn’t decide which photo to post, but basically every single picture shows a very happy me. The hardest thing I found with my loss was my inability to experience it outside of closed doors and private phone calls. I had (have) 4 children who needed caring… regardless of what was going on in my life. During the actual miscarriage they tore the house apart, it was the hardest thing to experience. How do you care for children when physically losing two? Anyways, it was hard.. but as a result I put a mask on. It did not matter what was going on, I would smile for the camera or if the kids needed a smile, I basically have a PhD in smiling on demand. I would have liked to have the courage to just grieve and experience, but I hid it.

I think this picture also captures my responsibility to care for my living children even through a loss… Here I am nursing my daughter less than a month after my loss on the side of a mountain.

This whole process of finding pictures to do the challenge has been a little eye opening for me. ¬†It has me looking way back in to my pictures and finding old gems that I had forgotten about, like a picture of my positive pregnancy test. ¬†I have become slightly more invested than I anticipated…. I suppose that is a good thing, because after all, the point of Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness, is to create awareness… and not only am I potentially creating awareness in others by sharing my pics, but I also seem to be becoming more aware myself. ¬†It’s hard to explain.

Anyone else participating?

It’s that time again

We are coming up on the 3rd anniversary of losing my twins, July 29th.¬† Usually around this time I get cranky and weepy without even recognizing why.¬† So of course that is what has happened.¬† For the past couple weeks I’ve been just a little more on edge, and thinking about my twins a little more than usual.¬† Of course I still wonder what my life would be like if I had them, and I honestly don’t know.¬† My life has changed so drastically that I just don’t know where I would be if they were here.¬† But I do know that things always work out the way they need to, even if it totally sucks.

Here are a couple songs I’ve been listening to, they get me every time.

 

*sorry for the ad on that one.¬† ūüôā

October 15th

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day…. my candle is lit.¬† But that is not all I did today.. Today I did a lot of reflecting, which brings me to this blog.

About 4 months ago I let my blog domain (www.tinyangels.ca) expire.¬† I thought, “who cares, I don’t even know if anyone reads this, and I’m pretty much over it.¬† So gone is 2 years worth of posts¬†of a lot of my heart and soul.¬† And then I remember, “I did start the blog on wordpress” and here I am.¬† When I looked at the stats I realized that people are still actually reading this little flicker of Tiny Angels.¬† So here I am.

Over the past couple days I have received e-mails from people wondering if I have organized a memorial event for this year, people wondering what’s going on in deadbabyland.¬† Well, the answer is “no” and “I have no clue”.¬† And now I am here.¬† I feel like somewhat of a failure, like I have let down a large group of women who in some small way relied on me to stand up and scream, “LISTEN UP WORLD!!!¬† We are women who have lost babies and we are hurting!!!¬† Not only are we hurting, but we demand proper treatment by the medical community, as well as the public in general!!”¬† Well, I didn’t do that.¬† I simply changed my facebook profile pic, shared a link to the October 15th website, lit a candle, and went on my merry way.

Time heals…. maybe…¬† Time changes things…. yes, most certainly.¬† I live with the pain of losing my twins, but I don’t grieve daily.¬† I embrace the memory of being pregnant and I also embrace the feelings I experience when I think of losing them.¬† I still hurt when I see twins, but I don’t excommunicate the mothers anymore.

I don’t know what this post is about….. But I do know that today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness/Remembrance Day… and I remember.¬† xoxo

New Addy

Well, until I figure out how to link this URL to my new blog URL, I’ll just have to place the link here.¬† You can find these posts and all my new ones at Tiny Angels.

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