Capture your Grief

I’m not sure what has changed over the past few months, but I find myself fully immersed in “Deadbabyland” again.  I mean, I was always there, but now I am spending a lot of time reading blogs, looking at pictures, and taking part in photo challenges even!  The photo challenge that I am taking part in is for the month of October, which is “Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month”.  The challenge is titled “Capture your Grief” and it was created by “Carly Marie”.  Here is the picture that lists all the recommended pictures to take each day in October:

If you want more info on the challenge, you can find it here.

Here are my challenge pics for the past few days.

Day one:  Sunrise in Calgary, Alberta at 7:00am on October 1st.

Day Two:  Portrait before loss.  This picture would have been taken a couple months before I was pregnant with the twins, so probably March 2009

Day Three:  Portrait after loss..

I couldn’t decide which photo to post, but basically every single picture shows a very happy me. The hardest thing I found with my loss was my inability to experience it outside of closed doors and private phone calls. I had (have) 4 children who needed caring… regardless of what was going on in my life. During the actual miscarriage they tore the house apart, it was the hardest thing to experience. How do you care for children when physically losing two? Anyways, it was hard.. but as a result I put a mask on. It did not matter what was going on, I would smile for the camera or if the kids needed a smile, I basically have a PhD in smiling on demand. I would have liked to have the courage to just grieve and experience, but I hid it.

I think this picture also captures my responsibility to care for my living children even through a loss… Here I am nursing my daughter less than a month after my loss on the side of a mountain.

This whole process of finding pictures to do the challenge has been a little eye opening for me.  It has me looking way back in to my pictures and finding old gems that I had forgotten about, like a picture of my positive pregnancy test.  I have become slightly more invested than I anticipated…. I suppose that is a good thing, because after all, the point of Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness, is to create awareness… and not only am I potentially creating awareness in others by sharing my pics, but I also seem to be becoming more aware myself.  It’s hard to explain.

Anyone else participating?

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