Day Five: Memorial

This is another one that I didn’t know which picture to post… I have several that are memorials, but I will post them under different categories. This is a tattoo that was designed for me by another babyloss mama about 2 and a half years ago. I wasn’t sure if I loved it at the time, but then my computer crashed and I thought I lost the image forever. The thought of not having it completely tore me apart, and it was then I realized I had to have it on my skin. it will be on my upper thigh area. Oh, and the wording will actually be “pulchriores quam pro terra” which is “too beautiful for earth” in Latin.

There is a lot of symbolism in this tattoo… the wings are swallow wings, and swallows are believed to take the souls of lost loved ones to heaven… The rose is a symbol of my memorial garden where they are buried, the heart is a symbol not only of love, but of the Tiny Angels Project I started to provide care packages to babyloss families, and the 2 butterflies are of course symbolic of my twins.

Now if I could just find a way to fund raise to pay for some ink.  😉

Day Four: Treasured Item

It is difficult for me to pick just one treasured item.  Basically everything that had to do with my pregnancy and the twins I treasure, but there is not that much to be honest.  I did keep everything though, from the pregnancy test, to maternity clothes receipts, ultrasound pics (after babes had started breaking down) and little heart shaped rocks that reminded me of my babes.

 

This ultrasound pic has got to be my most treasured item though… an instant reminder of the chance I was given but was unable to hold on to.  A reminder of what I experienced in the days, weeks, and months following when this image was taken.  After loss, the feelings and memories are all that is left, so I cherish them and hold on to them.  I have moved on in some regard, but I never want to dismiss the amount of love and energy that went in to these babies.  The twins have already begun to deteriorate, they had been gone for a couple weeks I believe and were now measuring just over 6 weeks.  I was supposed to be 10 weeks pregnant at this point.

Here some other items that I have held on to and are extremely treasured:

This is a note the baby (did not know it was twins at this point) wrote to announce her/his existence to his/her father.  I am no longer with the Father (that’s a good thing), but I still treasure this little note.

This is a Dr. Seuss book that I bought specifically to read to the baby(ies) growing in my womb.  I had so many plans of how this pregnancy would play out, and how I would take care of myself and the baby(ies).

 

And this is how we announced the pregnancy to my parents.  My youngest daughter wore this shirt and told the world how excited she was to be a big sister!  She was just over 1 at the time, and so stinkin’ cute.  I have a picture of her wearing it, but I cannot find it right now.

**clearly I cannot follow picture challenge rules, as I’m pretty sure it’s supposed to be one picture a day… but I just have so many little things I treasure, I had to share.  I have more.. but this will do.

 

 

 

October 15th

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day…. my candle is lit.  But that is not all I did today.. Today I did a lot of reflecting, which brings me to this blog.

About 4 months ago I let my blog domain (www.tinyangels.ca) expire.  I thought, “who cares, I don’t even know if anyone reads this, and I’m pretty much over it.  So gone is 2 years worth of posts of a lot of my heart and soul.  And then I remember, “I did start the blog on wordpress” and here I am.  When I looked at the stats I realized that people are still actually reading this little flicker of Tiny Angels.  So here I am.

Over the past couple days I have received e-mails from people wondering if I have organized a memorial event for this year, people wondering what’s going on in deadbabyland.  Well, the answer is “no” and “I have no clue”.  And now I am here.  I feel like somewhat of a failure, like I have let down a large group of women who in some small way relied on me to stand up and scream, “LISTEN UP WORLD!!!  We are women who have lost babies and we are hurting!!!  Not only are we hurting, but we demand proper treatment by the medical community, as well as the public in general!!”  Well, I didn’t do that.  I simply changed my facebook profile pic, shared a link to the October 15th website, lit a candle, and went on my merry way.

Time heals…. maybe…  Time changes things…. yes, most certainly.  I live with the pain of losing my twins, but I don’t grieve daily.  I embrace the memory of being pregnant and I also embrace the feelings I experience when I think of losing them.  I still hurt when I see twins, but I don’t excommunicate the mothers anymore.

I don’t know what this post is about….. But I do know that today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness/Remembrance Day… and I remember.  xoxo

The Reality of it all

So a couple of days ago I broke down and phoned medical imaging at the hospital.  I needed to have those ultrasound pictures, if it was possible.  It was possible and they told me to come get them the following day.  The disk costed $10 but I would have paid $100 (or more), it’s absolutley priceless.  Now, I know that my babies had already died, and I know they just look like little blobs because they had already started breaking down, but I still needed to see the picture again.  I really wanted to have the pictures for my own personal need and also as a memorial for my little ones.

I picked up the cd and drove home, anticipating what I would see on the disk.  I put it in and this is what I saw, my two babies, well, my two gestational sacs.  Whatever the case, it really brings the reality of it all back to me.  The reality is, yes I did have two little ones, yes they are gone.  And I have decided to share my pictures with the whole world, because ya know what?  I’m not ashamed of this and I loved these two little souls and I am honored that I was even able to hold them for such a little while in my belly.

And those are them, my two little souls, my two little angels that I’ll never get to hold.  And here are some really  heartbreaking pictures, the pictures that allowed the ultrasound tech to determine “fetal demise” as she put it.

 

On the left is TwinA and on the right is TwinB, both of which are showing no heartbeat.

The Story of my Twins

I found out I was pregnant on June 15^th.  I had just completed the DONA birth doula training the day before and was absolutely certain that I wanted another baby.  I was so excited to see a plus sign, and just one day after I had made the decision that I could have another and really wanted to.  One of my good friends took her IUD out the day after I found out I was expecting and “poof” got pregnant right away.  We were to be pregnant together, that was a first for me, generally I’m the only one pregnant.

 Everything was progressing pretty uneventful, within four weeks my belly had swelled and it was obvious there was a life in there.  I was so excited.  This was my 5^th baby so I felt pretty in tune with what was going on in my body.  That is why I was not concerned when I started spotting.  I had spotted with all of my previous babies so I was not worried at all!  I carried on doing what I normally would.  I started planning my diaper stash, what carrier I would need and was planning to buy a happy hangup for bedtimes (for times when we weren’t sharing a bed).  I was also trying to prepare myself for tandem nursing as my 18 month old is nowhere near weaning, I thought for sure I’d be nursing two.

 I had a pretty weird dream one night and to this day it still bugs me that I can’t fully remember it.  Essentially I had a dream that I lost twins.  I couldn’t believe it, twins!  Well, at least in my dream.  I had a strange feeling though, could there really be twins?  I had a big decision to make regarding this birth, I had to decide between a midwife assisted birth where we would travel for the midwife, or a UC at home.  I was not willing to go back to the hospital.  Regardless of what we decided, I needed to have an ultrasound to check for twins.  I thought I’d deal with that later.

 Weeks went by and I continued to grow and bond with the life in my belly.  I started buying maternity clothes and little books to read the baby in utero.  I ordered a special pregnancy hula hoop and planned to register in pre-natal yoga, I had so many plans.

 On Saturday, July 26^th the family and I drove to Castle Mountain where we would stay for the weekend.  I had a baby shower to attend out there.  We arrived at Castle and I went to the washroom.  I looked down and saw that the toilet had a lot of blood at the bottom of it.  Fear overwhelmed me and I decided to go to the hospital. 

 I arrived at the Pincher Creek hospital and choked out the words, “Um…. I’m 10 weeks pregnant and I’m bleeding”.  The reality set in.  I know my body and I felt something was not right.  After seeing the doctor, she reassured me that it was pretty normal and chances are that it’s nothing.  She said they reserve ultrasounds on the weekend for “emergencies” and refused my request.  I felt totally let down and disrespected.  How could she tell me that nothing is wrong when I was there!!  I wouldn’t be there if nothing was wrong, I know spotting is normal, but what I experienced was NOT normal.  She said she’d book me an ultrasound and call me in a day or two.

 Waiting…. Just waiting.. waiting for a good or bad sign, waiting for a phone call, just waiting.  The phone rang on Sunday morning and it was a nurse in Lethbridge, “We have an appointment for you on Tuesday afternoon” she said.  Tuesday afternoon?!!!  3 days from now?!  I said that wouldn’t work for me and she said there was nothing else for 2 weeks.  Clearly they didn’t understand what was going on.

 We drove back to Lethbridge that afternoon and after dinner I decided I needed to go back to the hospital.  I was checked by a dr. who said my cervix was closed and indicated that was a good sign.  He then proceeded to do an emergency ultrasound to see if there was anything in my belly.  He saw a baby, and I did too.  He did not see the heart moving and neither did I.  After that ultrasound he said he wanted to send me for a better ultrasound just to make sure, he said that the quality of image on the emergency ultrasound is not really totally accurate.  “Come back at 8:00am tomorrow” and I went home.  Well, actually, I went to Boston Pizza with a friend who showed up at the hospital.  I’m so lucky to have friends who care.

 That night I slept at max 3 ½ hours.  I was at the hospital by 7:50am and braced myself for the worst.  They took me to the medical imaging unit and told me to put a gown on.  There was this really lovely older nurse who took me to another waiting room and she just put her hand on my shoulder and said, “You look really sad dear, are you alright?”.  I said yes, although I was not okay at all.  Waiting again, waiting for them to call my name, waiting to see my baby, waiting for answers.  While I wait I can hear a heartbeat, they must have been performing an ultrasound and let the mama listen to the heartbeat, it broke my heart.

 They call my name and in I go to the ultrasound room.  I sit on the bed and break down, I can’t control myself and my emotions.  The ultrasound tech was very understanding and offered me some Kleenex.  It’s like I knew what she was going to say to me, and I wasn’t sure I was ready to hear it.  I lay down and she goes to work.  I got the pleasure (not really) of receiving both belly and internal ultrasound.  When she was done she asked me, “Are you sure you want to see the picture” as I had asked her to show me.  She continues with, “your feeling was right, there is no heartbeat, but there’s something else”.  My heart was in my throat and I choked out, “What?”.  “There were two” she said.  I instantly starting crying and could not believe that I had been so close to having twins.  I saw the picture and still wish I had asked for a copy.  It was clear there were 2 sacs with babies in them.  I was in shock and awe at the same time.

 After the ultrasound I went back to the waiting room where I continued to sob uncontrollably.  The rest of my hospital stay is not worth sharing as we didn’t do much, it’s all a bunch of crying and no real explanations.  Whatever the case, I chose to avoid a D&C and birth these babies on my own, and home I went.  I spent the rest of the day collecting things that would help labour progress, like Red Raspberry Leaf tea, Peppermint Oil, Black Cohosh, and Vitamin C.  I began my regiment.

 On Wednesday July 29^th, 2009 I felt a pain, a pain so familiar from all of my other births, I knew that would be the day my babies were released.  The cramping continued for most of the day and at about 3:30pm I birthed one of my babies.  It was shockingly bigger than I had expected and caused me to scream.  I then became afraid of what was to come.  I had let my first baby go in the toilet and couldn’t bear to flush it, so I knew I could not let the second one go in the toilet.  I set up a Tupperware container (which I threw out later) on the floor in the bathroom, turned out the lights and lit two candles.  I squatted and after a painful contraction, birthed my last baby and the placenta.  The placenta was shaped like a heart and was hard for me to look at. 

 I am so thankful to have a friend like D, as she came over and helped me get my babies together to bury them in the back yard.  Her strength is amazing and I am so grateful for her help.  We wrapped my babies and the heart placenta in a beautiful ooga booga organic bamboo velour prefold diaper and buried them in the back yard.  A rose bush and memorial garden will grow above them.

 This experience has already taught me so much, even though I just birthed my babies yesterday.  I have realized how much love I have and what it feels like to hurt this bad.  I believe it has created a more compassionate person and I will not take what I do have for granted.

 This is my story, the story of the twins that I’ll never get to hold, to love or to make memories with.  The twins that I loved so much for the brief time I got to care for them, the twins that were just out of my grasp, the twins I’ll never tickle.  I still love them so much and I feel like I buried a part of me with them in the garden.  I still can’t believe I had twins in my belly, I just wish I could have gotten to welcome them in to the world and let them know how much they were wanted and loved.